My Misery's So Addictive
by LikeOLikeH
Summary: Tegan finds out that Sara has an addiction and is willing to help her out. Tegan and Sara. Quincest.
1. Chapter 1

I had an idea and came up with this. I don't know how often I'll update but here's the first chapter.

You can now find me on Tumblr, my url is shock-in-your-gut :)

Enjoy & Review!

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It was late at night and Sara wasn't home yet. Though it wasn't unusual, Tegan started to worry as she saw the seconds ticked by on the clock. She sat on the couch, nervously biting her nails while her eyes continued their routine between the front door and the clock, her ears listening to the slightest noise signaling her twin's arrival. Yawning, she stood up, willing to fight her tiredness and knowing that she couldn't sleep, her sister was God knew where and she wouldn't answer her calls.

Sara was far way too busy trying to satisfy her hunger to even keep an eye on the time. At only twenty four years, Sara had found her own treatment for her addiction: give in to the temptation. Every night, she would wait until she was sure that Tegan was asleep before sneaking out of their apartment, but only after a few hours spent watching videos on her computer, she then would head Downtown; in search of whatever that could soothe her impulses. Gay bar, sex shops, strip club, lap dance bar, peep shows or even streetwalkers, whatever that crossed her path, as long as she could have _anything_.

When Sara came home that night, Tegan was waiting for her. Sara froze in the doorway, like a deer caught in the headlights as she spotted her twin in the living room. In a flash, Tegan was on her feet, her face inches away from Sara's and her fear had turned into anger as she shouted "Where the fuck were you!? I've been calling you like crazy!" Sara didn't budge; her face was pale as her mind raced to come up with an excuse

"I-I just w-went for a walk" she mumbled under her breath, her eyes avoiding her sister's glare

"Really?" Tegan asked in a sarcastic tone "How stupid do you think I am? You were gone for three fucking hours; it's four in the morning, Sara"

"S-sorry, I lost track of the time I guess" Sara said, thinking she would get away with that. She tried to move past the elder twin but Tegan grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and slammed her body against the wall. Sara gasped in shock and Tegan kept shouting in spite of the late hour

"You think I wouldn't notice that you go out every fucking night?! No wonder we're not successful if half of the band isn't involved in the project" Sara had hoped that she could avoid an argument but her patience has its limits and it took only a few seconds for her low temper to kick in

"What the fuck?!" It was her turn to shout now. She pushed Tegan away from her and spoke through clenched teeth "What I do is my business and it doesn't affect the band in any way so shut the fuck up!" She headed towards her bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Sara was angry; Tegan knowing about her escapades wasn't part of her plan.

A few weeks later, even though Sara's late encounters didn't stopped; the tension between the twins had decreased. Tegan eventually understood that Sara wouldn't talk to her; every time she would catch the younger twin in the middle of the night, Sara would always come up with an unbelievable lie and Tegan knew better than to pick up a fight. Sara's walls were impenetrable.

That morning though, as Tegan started to get up, she had decided that she would pierce the mystery of her sister. She needed it, she couldn't bear to be put aside of her sister's life. Tegan and Sara had a relationship that most siblings couldn't understand and Tegan couldn't risk giving that away. She felt her sister starting to get emotionally distant from everything and Tegan felt like it was her duty to reach out for the string that bond them together and hold on it tightly before it was completely out of reach.

One way or another, Tegan was going to find out. No matter what it took, she would do it; she was as determined as ever.

As usual, Sara woke up later than her sister and hopped in the shower to wash off the evidences of the night she had spent in the company of a charming lady. Sara couldn't remember her name even if her life depended on it; she never remembered their names anyways. That wasn't interesting; the only thing that she found interesting to remember was their prices. Being a musician had its pros and cons, and the amount of money they made was definitely a part of the cons.

As always when in the shower, Sara masturbated, taking her sweet time until feeling satisfied enough to start her day.

When Tegan heard the sound of the running water, she tiptoed her way into Sara's bedroom. She briefly scanned the room before noticing her sister's laptop on the desk. She hopped to find something that could help her understand her sister's sneaking out. For Tegan, it was almost a certainty that Sara had a girlfriend and didn't want to talk about her, but she needed to make sure of it. She started by looking through Sara's emails, in search of something that could confirm her suspicion, but what she found only fueled her curiosity. Putting her hand on her mouth to muffle her laugh, Tegan closed her sister's inbox and started looking through different files before hearing the water turning off. She quickly ran back to the small kitchen and took a minute to think. Noting the countless subscriptions on porn sites, it was obvious that Sara was still single. Tegan decided it then, she was going to follow her.

Tegan didn't know what she was getting herself into. If she had known she probably wouldn't have made that choice, knowing where it would lead her, where it would lead them. And there was no way in hell that they could come back unscathed.

Sara, on the other hand was oblivious of the life changing decision her sister had just made as she walked in the kitchen, joining her sister at the table. "Morning" she greeted her, a smile plastered on her face because of the endorphin still running through her system.

"Good afternoon" Tegan responded warmly, still amused by her discovery.


	2. Chapter 2

Sara was lying on her bed; her breath came out ragged as her eyes were focused on the woman touching herself in front of her through the computer's screen. She watched her cum then started up another video; she kept going until she couldn't hear any more sounds in the apartment. Sara needed more, she always did. She closed her laptop and tiptoed to Tegan's room to make sure that she was sleeping.

"Tegan?" she whispered and without receiving any answer, she closed the door as quietly as she opened it. She put her jacket on and grabbed her backpack, her keys and wallet before exiting the apartment to head Downtown.

A few seconds after she heard her bedroom's door being closed, Tegan hopped out of bed. Being already fully clothed, she pressed her ears against the door, waiting for Sara to leave the apartment to follow her, wherever the hell she was going in the middle of the night.

She felt the rush of adrenaline flooding through her body, trying to be as discreet as possible while she made sure to stay a few feet away behind Sara. Her legs were shaking with fear of being caught and her heart was beating faster with every step she made, every step taking her further and further away from home.

Sara started to slow down; unaware of the identical shadow following her, as she slowly reached her destination. She wasn't really thinking while she talked, she wasn't acting on impulse either. She did it because she had to. She didn't even have a choice. She simply had to. She could feel it in every fiber of her being; she needed it so badly and was terrified of what might happen if she couldn't feed her hunger.

Tegan was feeling less and less comfortable with each passing second; she wasn't used to this part of the town and genuinely feared for her life as she kept taking random turns as she followed her sister. She shivered when she met the gaze of a creepy man, probably in his fifties, smoking his cancer stick in front of a club. She quickly looked away and fastened her pace when she heard him sucked his teeth at her. If she wasn't that worried for her sister's safety, Tegan would probably take to one's heels and hide under her blanket for the rest of the night, but she couldn't let her twin alone in this area. What if someone attacked her in one of those dark alleys? What would someone of a pixie's size do against a bunch of dudes? Sara might be proud of her brown belt in karate but Tegan still doubted that it would be effective against a weapon. She gulped loudly when she realized what she could possibly do against a weapon. Nothing.

Sara stopped in front of a familiar club and pushed the door open. Loud music filling her ears as she made her way to the bar. "Hey!" she called for the attention of the bartender

He turned around, a grin on his face when he spotted Sara "What can I do for you, sweetie?" he asked in a flirtatious tone, leaning forward, his elbows on the bar. Sara wasn't bothered by him hitting on her every time, somewhat she got used to it but still, she couldn't help the roll of her eyes.

"Where's the redhead?" she shouted over the music

"She doesn't work here anymore" he answered, wiping off a glass.

"What do you mean she doesn't work here anymore?" Sara asked incredulously, her brows furrowed at what she's just heard. She didn't like it. At all.

"Sorry sweetheart. But," he looked her up and down, biting his bottom lip "I'm still here" he said suggestively. Sara looked at him, thinking about it for half a second before turning him down.

"No, thanks." She said angrily, turning around to find someone else. If Sara hated something, beyond anything else, it was when things didn't go the way she wanted them to be. She looked at the stripers, trying to find one that could make it for tonight.

Tegan moved quickly, navigating her body through the sea of horny men to avoid getting caught by her sister. For Tegan, it was definitely not worth it to risk her life just to see a couple of naked ladies dancing on a tiny stage. She managed to get into a corner and kept an eye on her sister, who was eye-fucking one of the stripers. Admittedly, she felt awkward here stalking her sister, but she didn't want to go home on her own and since she hadn't thought of taking any money with her, she couldn't even call a cab. She briefly wondered if she should go to Sara and ask her to go home but decided that it would be too awkward. Sara would know that she followed her and would be upset.

She felt creepy, standing there alone, watching her sister. She thought that maybe she should just run home because obviously, all of this was a waste of time. In her mind there was no way that Sara would spend all her nights in some creepy bar in Downtown Vancouver, surrounded by hundreds of men. It was just so out of character. But she was wrong.

Sara felt totally at ease in this creepy bar and couldn't take her eyes off of the short haired blonde. Her breasts were amazing and Sara couldn't wait to run her tongue over her hard nipples. So she waited patiently for the blonde to finish her show before going over to the side of her stage to find the owner of the club. "Can you go get her for me?" she said over the loud music, pointing to the girl walking off stage. The older woman looked down at Sara, a smile forming on her lips as he recognized one of her loyal customer.

"Sure, come with me" she said enthusiastically before walking Sara to a door that led backstage. Sara knew how it worked, so she waited outside the dressing room while the lady went inside to find the girl. A few minutes later, the blonde girl came out with a smile on her face when she spotted Sara, obviously pleased that her client for the next hour wasn't a gross looking man.

"Hi sweetie" she said, taking Sara's hand and walking down the hall. Sara didn't respond, she silently followed the girl, and as they passed a few doors, the only thing in her mind was how much she wanted to show that girl that she wasn't that much of a sweetie.

Sara closed the door and leaned against it, already breathing heavily with apprehension of what was to come while watching the girl sitting on the bed. Her mouth watered as the blonde looked up at her innocently.

"What do you want honey?" she asked seductively

"Come here" was Sara's response, still leaning against the door. The blonde obeyed, standing a few inches away, she started unbuttoning Sara's pants but Sara stopped her. This wasn't how it has to go. It was some kind of ritual for Sara, she didn't know why but she always needed a few minutes before getting there. With one hand still gripping the girl's wrist, she used the other to bring her face closer by the neck. "Kiss me" Sara ordered, and the girl obeyed, brushing her tongue against Sara's lips. They kissed slowly at first, getting used to the other's lips, and then their tongues collided with one another, exploring each other's mouth. They kissed hungrily until forced to break apart for a much needed breath. Sara pulled away for a few seconds, and then leaned in again taking the girl's bottom lip between her teeth. She let it snap back and rested her head against the door. She let go of the girl's wrist to unbutton her own pants and slid them down her thighs, never looking away from the girl's blue eyes. Without a word, Sara slightly pushed down on her shoulder, and then on her head as the girl kneeled down in front of her.

Tegan was in utter confusion reading the _employees only _sign on the door that Sara just closed a few minutes ago. She was sure as hell that her sister didn't work in this rat hole. She looked around, searching for someone who might help her. She spotted one of the employees and reluctantly started to walk over her when the music stopped and a man's voice talked through the speaker, announcing that the next striper was a newbie. Tegan's heart literally stopped and she turned around to face the stage, her eyes widen in fear. The music started again and a small silhouette appeared on stage, Tegan stood on her tiptoes, trying to see above all of the faces to catch a glimpse of the newbie. She breathed a sigh of relief when she realized that the woman on stage was far from being her twin.

"Excuse me?" she started hesitantly to what looked like a waitress

"Hmm?"

"What's behind this door?" she asked pointing towards the door

"Dressing rooms" the woman replied

"That's it? Because I saw someone that doesn't work here go in there" Tegan insisted. The girl looked at her then sighed

"You can have a private show if you pay good money" she said, using air quotes while saying private show. Tegan looked skeptical but nodded anyway before walking away. That was definitely not what she expected and never in her life had she imagined her sister paying for sex. She let out a long breath, frustrated. She told herself that she had chosen the wrong night to spy on her sister and felt ridiculous for doing it in the first place. Little did she know that _this_ was exactly what Sara was trying to hide.


	3. Chapter 3

**Reviews are more than welcome ;)!**

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Sara bit down on her bottom lip, looking down at the blonde between her legs. It has been a few weeks since they first met and the girl was starting to understand how it worked with Sara: she just couldn't control herself once it started. The girl looked up at Sara to see her squeezing her eyes shut and throwing her head back as she felt Sara's whole body tense. Sara pulled the girl's face closer to her core while she rode her face harder and faster, teetering on the edge.

Per habit, the first time it had happened the girl had pulled away before Sara could finish in her mouth. She hadn't meant to upset Sara. Actually Sara was her first female customer and the girl was just used to pull away before the climax during unprotected oral sex, but Sara hadn't liked it very much, and she had learned the hard way that it was better to let Sara choose how she wanted to cum. She just couldn't control herself. The girl could still remember the soreness between her legs even days after she had met Sara, so this time, she gladly accepted every drop in her mouth as Sara's body convulsed from the intensity of her orgasm.

While Sara was getting laid, Tegan was starting to pull the pieces together. After the night she followed her sister, Tegan had abandoned the idea of ever finding out what Sara was spending her nights doing. But eventually, her curiosity got the better of her and she did it again. Once, twice … she stopped counting after awhile, and every time she came home she was even more confused. She couldn't believe that her twin wanted to pay for sex every fucking night so she kept stalking her sister, she even went as far as questioning the different owners of the clubs where Sara had been. She dug in her room while Sara was away, looking in every corner. She found a ridiculous amount of porn magazines hidden between Sara's t-shirt, a whole collection of sex toys in her night stand and a hard drive full of adult content. Maybe her sister was just sexually frustrated, she thought at first. Then she recalled the countless subscriptions on porn sites that she found in Sara's inbox. Tegan also checked her sister's browser history, only to find out that Sara mostly used the internet for porn.

Tegan tried to drop the subject; Sara's sex life wasn't her business anyway and she didn't know how to bring that up in a conversation without revealing how she got her information's, and also, she had more important things to do. The girls were starting a new tour very soon and neither of them was ready.

One morning, Tegan was getting ready for rehearsals that would occur later with the band when she heard the front door being unlocked. She peeked out of the bathroom's door, wondering why Sara would leave without her and saw her sister leaning against the door, slowly taking off her shoes.

"Sara, did you just come back?!" Tegan asked in an aggravated tone when she realized that her twin had spent the night away. Sara looked up and the elder knew the second their eyes met that her sister was drunk. She sighed loudly and stood in the doorway, hands on her hips as she watched her sister struggling with her shoe lace.

"Yeah" was Sara's response before she headed towards her room

"We have rehearsals in an hour!" Tegan called after her and Sara shrugged her shoulders before closing the door. That day, they had to reschedule the rehearsal. Tegan was upset at Sara for being so selfish and the girls didn't talk to each other for a few days. Tegan was waiting for Sara to apologize and to admit that she had made a mistake but Sara couldn't care less, she barely noticed that Tegan was upset. Sara was too busy trying to fit her usual night encounters into the tour life to pay attention to her sister. She made some researches about the cities they were going to stop by, she took notes of which areas she should go to find hookers, she wrote down some strip clubs names and the night before the tour, she felt ready to go.

The next morning, as the girls waited for their tour bus to arrive, Sara realized that it was the first time she had to plan such things for a tour. She couldn't remember how it started or when it started. She guessed that it was something that was in her all along it became more present in her everyday's life with the time. Sara, being the control freak that she was, liked to thing that this situation was under control, but if she was being honest with herself, she knew damn well that she couldn't control herself even if she tried. Her mind wandered, failing to remember when masturbation became a part of her morning routine. She tried to recall the first time she ever paid for sex, the first time she sneaked out, the first time sh-

"You're okay?" Tegan's voice broke the silence between the twins, cutting the younger twin's train of thoughts. Sara looked up from her spot on the ground, startled.

"W-what?" Sara asked back, unsure if her sister actually talked or not

"Never mind" Tegan sighed, looking away as the bus came into view.

…

The first two weeks of the tour were going well. They were all excited to be back on the road and the shows had been great so far. Tegan and the others were happy of the course of the tour, but Sara was happy for a different reason. Of course she was doing what people expected her to do every night, but it was when the lights went out and that everyone was getting ready for bed that Sara enjoyed her time more.

That night they were going to stay in some crappy motel and Sara was looking forward to spending her night in a club she had noticed when they were driving by. It has been a few days since she hadn't had a moment to herself and she was starting to get moody, feeling the urge grow until it became unbearable. It was easy to leave the apartment in the night without alarming her sister but, a tiny bus with dozen other people proved to be more difficult.

Arriving in their hotel room, Tegan plopped down on the single queen sized bed. Realizing that she was going to share a bed with her sister, Sara understood that she wouldn't be able to sneak out while Tegan was sleeping without waking her up.

"Um," she started hesitantly "I'm going out for a walk" she tried to sound nonchalant

"Okay, I'm coming with you" Tegan responded, starting to stand up

"No!" Sara quickly said, maybe too quickly she thought "I mean, I-I won't be long. I'm just going to walk around a little bit. I'll keep my phone on" she said, trying to sound convincing

"Sara, I'm not gonna let you go out on your own. It's one in the morning and you don't even know the city" Tegan defended her point

"I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself" the younger twin replied, starting to get frustrated

"I'm not so sure about that" Tegan mumbled under her breath

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Sara asked angrily

"Nothing. Just chill out! If you want to go out, fine. But I'll come with you" Tegan said firmly and Sara knew that she wouldn't win this argument. It was pointless to go out with Tegan so they both stayed in the hotel and went to bed without any other words being exchanged. Tegan fell asleep pretty quickly but Sara was unable to find sleep that night. She tossed and turned, a lump in her throat all night long. She counted the days until the next night they would spend in a hotel but it was too far away for her liking. She needed it now, but Tegan was being relentless.

When Tegan woke up, she was alone in bed and for a moment she feared that Sara had gone out while she was asleep but then she heard the shower running. She sighed and stretched out in bed, taking her time to wake up.

Fifteen minutes later, Sara was still in the shower. Her eyes were tightly closed and she tried to only focus on the feeling of her fingers deep inside of her. She was biting her lip so hard that she could taste blood on her tongue but she didn't care, she had to be quiet. Tegan was on the other side of the door and Sara could hear that she was awake. She didn't know how long she stayed in the shower and, admittedly, she didn't care either. She needed to cum so badly. But so far, she hadn't been successful. She could feel her inside starting to burn from the friction and slowed her thrusts a little bit, using her other hand to rub her clit. She took deep breaths, trying to enjoy the sensations between her legs but she was sore and Tegan's rustling in the other room was distracting.

Tegan knocked on the door, the water was still running but she couldn't hear her sister. "Sara? You're okay in there?" she asked again for the hundredth time before knocking even harder. "Sara, I'm going to come in okay?" Tegan said, pounding on the door "Okay, Sara?" when she didn't get an answer, she pushed the door open. Maybe Sara had slipped in the shower and hit her head or something so Tegan went in. Her eyes went wide when she saw her sister bare body and she closed them almost immediately but she had already mesmerized the image. "Sorry" she mumbled awkwardly before walking out of the bathroom.

A few seconds later, Sara stormed out of the bathroom with only her underwear and a white t-shirt on. "Sorry" Tegan laughed nervously

"Is this fucking funny to you?" Sara asked angrily, out of breath and her face all flushed. Tegan found it hard to take her seriously and just started to laugh, trying to erase the image of her twin sister fucking herself in the shower, but failing miserably as Sara gripped her tightly by the collar of her shirt and pushed her against the nearest wall. In any other circumstance, Tegan would have reacted; she would have beaten the shit out of Sara.

But this moment was different, and Tegan couldn't find it within herself to be angry, she was way too distracted by Sara's almost naked body pressed against her. She could see her twin's erect nipples through her soaked shirt and Tegan squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to think of her sister that way but Sara's bare thigh pressed against her core didn't help her to erase those thoughts, making resurface the feelings she had buried deep within herself for so long.


	4. Chapter 4

Tegan was locked in the bathroom for a few hours now and she didn't plan on going out anytime soon. The show that night had been awful; mostly Sara's fault if you'd ask Tegan, and she didn't want to face her just yet. Since she was in a moving bus, she felt like the tiny bathroom was the most private place she could find. Sure, she could just retrieve in her sanctuary and go lie down in her bunk, but Sara had the bunk just across from her and Tegan really just didn't want to see her. She would spend the whole drive back to Vancouver in this room if it meant that she wouldn't have to deal with her sister.

They were at the end of the tour now and everybody could feel the tension between the twins weighing them down, and it was way easier to get on each other's nerves when everyone was grumpy. But that night, Sara had gone too far, Tegan thought. Sara disappeared all day long, no one knew where she was and she wouldn't answer her phone. Sara spent the entire day walking around the city, visiting a dozen clubs, most of which were closed, trying to find something to feed that hunger of her own. Luck was not on her side and she ended up in an alley behind the venue, crying her frustration out. Her whole body ached as she rocked back and forth, and while her heartbeat fastened, Sara wished it would stop beating altogether. She'd rather die than going through so much pain.

She showed up 30 minutes late for the show and when Tegan, worried, asked her where she was, Sara just yelled at her, telling her to leave her the fuck alone for once then grabbed her guitar and walked onstage angrily. Tegan followed but her mind was blank. In addition to the few technical difficulties, they messed up a lot more than usual. Tegan had tried –but miserably failed- to lighten the mood nonetheless but had chosen the wrong subject to joke about, which only turned Sara's frustration into anger. "Sara watched porn last night. She spent the whole night, I heard her the whole night, watching porn." Tegan had said that onstage, half joking but Sara only caught up on the accusatory tone in the elder's voice

"You asshole, I would never watch porn in the same room as you" Sara had lied, embarrassed "I wouldn't even share a room with you if I wasn't forced to. I'd rather share a room with … pretty much anyone but you" Sara was deadly serious but the audience clapped and cheered

Despite the ache in her chest after Sara's harsh words, Tegan had replied, ignoring Sara's words "It's fine, you don't need to be embarrassed. Everyone does it. Watching porn, I mean-"

"-Tegan, seriously shut the fuck up before I come over here and strangle you"

"Well we're going to play a few more songs because that's what we do, we're a band and we're not a travelling comedy troupe" Tegan laughed nervously along with the audience and started strumming her guitar, the lights slowly fading as Sara mumbled into her microphone "You're not even funny"

When the show was over, Sara had gone straight to the bus. She crawled into her bunk and waited, praying that the time would go by faster. She just wished she could be home already, pack her bags and leave. Theses few months in close quarters with Tegan constantly on her back were just too much for Sara to handle and she needed her space. She needed her space away from Tegan so she bought a house on a whim without telling anyone, when they were in Montreal. She figured that the opposite side of the country was enough space. She could do whatever the hell she wanted without having to justify. The paperwork was already signed and she had already paid a deposit for the house. All she needed to do was to get there.

Tegan was still in the bathroom, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She wondered how someone that looked so similar to her could be so different. Then her mind went to that one time she caught Sara masturbating in the shower and thought that they weren't that different after all. Physically at least, even though Tegan found her sister's body way more attractive than hers. She put a hand on her stomach, briefly wondering if it would feel the same to touch her twin. Tegan would never admit that out loud, but since that day, she found herself watching her sister differently, lingering on certain part of her anatomy, wishing she could touch her without Sara freaking out. Tegan hated herself for that, but theses few seconds when she had caught a glimpse of Sara's nudity were enough to trigger something deep inside of her. It could have been mistaken for curiosity, but Tegan knew better. She knew, because it was something she had felt before. She probably had felt it all along and had fooled herself into believing she had stopped it. Feeling it spreading into her whole body now, Tegan knew it was with her all along. This feeling… how could've she stop it?

To this day, Tegan could still remember all the tears she shed because of it. She remembered all the sleepless nights she spent crying over an unrequited love. She could still feel the pain she experienced when she realized that it was something that could never happen. She could also recall the hatred she had towards herself for feeling that way. She was only fifteen at that time and couldn't understand why she felt that way towards her own sister. Almost a decade later and Tegan was still the same. Despite of all the years she spent convincing herself that it was her curiosity teen playing trick on her troubled mind, she still felt the same.

A sigh escaped her lips, the memory of those painful years still too fresh in her mind as much as she desperately tried to forget them. She should have tried harder, Tegan thought. Perhaps that she was so blinded by her fucked up reality that she could have pushed Sara away involuntary? Sara was so emotionally distant. Tegan felt like she didn't know her sister anymore. She was so secretive and constantly lying. Tegan missed the time where they were close and started to wonder when all of this started. When did she start to lose her twin?

Tegan watched the color drained from her face as the realization hit her. All the lies and the fights, it was all concerning the same thing. Sara disappearing for hours without telling anyone, sneaking out in the middle of the night to go to the stripers, declining any offers to go out with the band for a few drinks saying that she's just watch a movie from her hard drive, which Tegan secretly knew the content. She remembered one night, a few weeks ago, when Rob tried to borrow Sara's device, she'd just snapped at him, telling him to fuck off. "All of this just for sex, Sara? Really?" Tegan said out loud, still watching herself in the mirror. Tegan is starting to put the blame on herself, she should have seen the signs, she should have felt that Sara was in distress, that she needed her. She could feel the anger growing when a knock on the door startled her.

"Tegan, we found a bar a few blocks away. You're coming?" Ted asked, and Tegan thought for a second that it would be a good opportunity to drown her worries in a few drinks but then Ted spoke again "Sara's not coming though. She said she was tired but I think she's crying" She could hear the worry in his voice and it was all she needed to decline his offer

"I'm gonna stay with her," she said as she opened the door "We needed to talk anyway"

"Oh, okay. Call me if you need anything" What he really meant was _call me if something goes wrong_ and Tegan knew it. Pushing Sara to talk was maybe not the greatest idea since she was obviously upset and could become aggressive but she was also vulnerable in moments like this and Tegan knew it too. If she wanted answers from Sara, she needed to question her when her walls were down.

Tegan waited in the kitchen area of the bus until the guys were gone. When the twins were finally alone, Tegan slowly made her way to Sara's bunk but stopped when she heard one of the most heartbreaking sounds she ever heard. Sara was struggling to hold back her sobs and the elder felt her heart break in her chest when Sara involuntary let one escape her lips.

"Sara?" Tegan asked softly, afraid that she might hurt her sister even more if she talked loudly

"Go away." Sara's voice came out shakily

"Sara, what's wrong?" Tegan insisted as she opened the curtain to her sister's bunk. Sara was lying in the fetal position, facing the wall. Her whole body shook like a leaf while she cried and Tegan could see her teenage self in that same position, crying over the forbidden fruit. Tegan silently hoped she could lie behind her and squeeze Sara's body against hers but she feared Sara's reaction and so Tegan sat next to her instead, placing a comforting hand on Sara's trembling arm.

"Tegan, go away!" Sara repeated, struggling to get the words out of her mouth through her sobs and placed her arm on her face to hide her tears from Tegan.

"Sara," Tegan whispered sadly "you can talk to me"

"I don't want to" Sara said angrily but she started to cry harder. She shoved Tegan's hand away and stood up abruptly, heading to the far end of the bus, closely followed by Tegan. Sara hoped she could lock herself in the lounge area, where she could cry herself to sleep but Tegan was there before she could even close the door. Sara wanted to be alone. Her whole body ached and there was nothing she could do about it. She had needed a release for so long but she was never alone. If she wanted to masturbate, there would always be someone knocking on the door, asking her to hurry up. If she wanted to go out, Tegan would tag along, making her impossible to get what she needed. It was so much more than sex for Sara; it was the anticipation and excitement she felt when she knew it was going to happen. It was all the sensations she felt during the sexual act. And most importantly, it was this feeling of deep well-being, this utter appeasement she felt when the waves of her orgasm washed over her. That was what she craved, this pure bliss… But now she couldn't have any of that and Sara was just utterly depressed and in pain and nothing made sense anymore and she wanted to sleep until the end of time, but Tegan had something else in mind, she wanted Sara to talk. Sara sat down on the couch and put her face in her hands, exhaling loudly as Tegan sat down next to her.

"Sara, tell me what's going on"

"You're getting on my nerves and I-I … I just want to be a-alone and sleep" Sara said through her sobs, pressing the palms of her hands against her swollen eyes, as if it would stop the tears

"Why are you crying Sara?" Tegan asked softly, ignoring Sara's request, and she started to rub Sara's back but Sara jerked away immediately. Sara didn't to be touched, at least not in that way. She didn't want to be comforted, she just wanted to sleep. She was exhausted from crying, from hurting but she couldn't stop it. She was exhausted from being exhausted but her anxieties kept her awake. Sara had never felt that way before, she always had found a way to satisfy her urges and she didn't really know what was happening to her.

Tegan watched her sister silently for a few minutes. She watched Sara cry, feeling her heart fall into pieces as Sara rocked back and forth on the couch, trying to hide the redness and the wetness on her face behind her trembling arms. Oddly enough, Tegan felt blessed for being able to witness this vulnerable side of Sara but Tegan also felt powerless, seeing her sister in so much pain, Sara reminded her so much of herself she could almost feel the pain radiating off of her. "Let me help you Sar" Tegan whispered as she inched closer to her sister. Sara jerked away again and isolated herself in one of the corner of the room, letting her body slide to the floor. She felt disgusted by herself at the thoughts that crossed her mind when Tegan said those words. Tegan couldn't help her. No one could. Obviously Tegan didn't know what she was talking about, Sara thought, but Tegan had an idea and she was determined to get answers this time. She kneeled before Sara, trapping her. "Sara," Tegan began hesitantly "it's okay, calm down" Sara felt like she was suffocating, as Tegan wrapped her arms around her, hugging her, trying to soothe her pain away "Stop running away from me. I can help you." Sara looked up then, eyes wide open with fear "I can help you" Tegan repeated and Sara started to shake her head frantically

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Sara said angrily, getting on her feet, trying to shove her sister off of her "You don't know a damn thing! You don't know what I'm going through" She raised her voice, her tears falling faster as she tried to escape, but Tegan was there again, blocking her, keeping her in place

"Tell me then" Tegan challenged her

"It hurts" Sara's voice was softer as she stopped trying to run away, defeated

"What hurts? What's going on?" Tegan pushed, needing a confirmation

"I need," Sara started then stopped, looking down at her feet, sniffling "fuck…" she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut, forcing the tears out "I can't tell you" she sobbed, exhaling sharp breaths

"It's okay Sara. You can trust me" Tegan said reassuringly but Sara stayed silent "Sara, look at me" she begged as she rubbed her sister's back but Sara kept her eyes closed. Tegan hesitated, she may be wrong after all but on a selfish impulse maybe, she threw caution to the wind "Is that what you need?" she asked, placing her right hand on Sara's inner thigh. Sara's eyes shot open and she instinctively grabbed Tegan's wrist in a death grip

"Tegan, no. Please don't" Sara begged, crying, knowing that she wouldn't be able to stop herself if Tegan started

"Is that what you need?" Tegan asked again, more confident this time. She could feel her heart beating frantically against her chest as she waited for Sara's response. Sara closed her eyes again, biting down on her quivering lip and nodded once. "Let me help you" Tegan demanded, whispering and wiping Sara's tears away before pressing her forehead against hers. Sara gulped loudly as she released the hold she had on Tegan's wrist, allowing her to move in between her shaking legs.

Tegan suddenly lost all her bravery and felt very shy, standing there in front of her twin with a hand between her legs. Was it too late to back off now? Would she be able to forgive herself if she denied this opportunity when she had wanted this for half her life? What would happen if they crossed the line? Would they come back unscathed if they reached the point of no return? Tegan didn't know, but she believed that it could be benefic for the both of them. She thought that it would ease some of Sara's pain. She guessed that she would stop wanting her sister if they did it once. Tegan truly believed all of that when she started to massage her sister's thigh shyly. She truly believed she was helping her sister when Sara became eager, rushing to unbutton her own pants and shoving Tegan's hand in her underwear. Sara was already wet, breathing heavily with her head thrown back against the wall, a few tears still running down her cheeks and down to her exposed neck. Her eyes were closed tightly, her mind focused on the sensations she was craving. She felt Tegan's lips on her skin, her fingers deep in her and she couldn't stop herself from moaning. She grabbed Tegan's neck, guiding her lips to hers. They moment their lips met, Tegan realized that she was wrong, she would never be able to stop wanting this but in that moment she didn't really care. Sara was hers, even if it was only for the few minutes it'd take her to make her go over the edge, she wanted to enjoy the time she had left. She licked Sara's bottom lip, asking for entrance, which was gladly granted by Sara. Their tongues met, tenderly at first, getting used to the other's feeling and taste. Sara moaned again and the kiss became heated as Tegan started to fasten her pace. She dug her fingers in deeper, feeling Sara's walls clench around them. And in that moment she could pretend. She could pretend that it wasn't just sex, she could pretend that her feelings were reciprocated and that Sara was really hers. And it was enough for now… until the next time.

"Fuck, Tegan" Sara whimpered against Tegan's lips, unable to kiss back anymore as she felt all the sensations intensify with each second. She clenched Tegan's shirt in her fists, pressing their bodies together and burying her face in Tegan's neck as she began to whisper profanities in her sister's ear. Sara knew that she wouldn't last longer, she could feel it. Her body began to tremble against Tegan's while she thrusted her hips back and forth, following Tegan's rhythm. "Oh God, Tegan! Don't stop" Sara begged, feeling the first wave of her mind blowing orgasm washing over her. She hadn't expected it to be so intense. It felt so good. She had never experienced anything like that before. She shook in Tegan's arms, gasping and biting down on her neck every time a new wave crashed over her, every one even more intense than the previous one.

Much to Sara's dismay, it eventually stopped, leaving her totally spent. She rested her head on Tegan's shoulder, catching her breath, a small smile spreading on her lips as she enjoyed this bliss she was craving while Tegan kissed her everywhere she could. They both stayed silent, breathing in each other's scent. Tegan wished they could stay like this forever, pretending, but Sara broke the silence and she didn't pretend "Thanks" she whispered awkwardly in her post-coital state before detaching herself from Tegan and leaning back against the wall, feeling relieved and at peace.


End file.
